Dont let memories go;

Theres just something about you that makesme want to grasp on to reality.
To get it through my head thatyoull never come back.
I need you in my life so bad, and I miss you so much.
I dont know how im doing it so far; living without you, but I am, and it still surprises me.
From the moment I heard, I was numb. Numb. Just numb. Numb for days, not letting it hit me just yet. No one knew how much I loved you. No one asked on how exactly I felt when you left me. It was unbareably hard. I could never forgive myself. For everyone phone call I received, to call you and see if you were okay, for every time I was asked if I wanted to go see you. For everytime they told me you were sick, I shrugged it off and said "Oh he'll get better." For everytime they said "he's in the hospital, you should call and go visit" I just changed the subject thinkinh, "oh its not bad, hell be out tonight." For 3 months straight, I didnt call or visit. For 12 weeks I didnt act as if you were sick. For every night you lied in the hospital bed. I could never forgive myself. I love you so much and you just...you're gone. Its been exactly 7 months and five days since youve left us. Everyday I think about you, remembering the days back when I was five, youd take me outside to play with your dogs, play ball with me, and always remember when I was seven and on that you loved the fact that I read, and from when I was ten through twelve you told me to join track team, as you claimed I had good long running legs that didnt need to be wasted by hanging around, That year (2007) I joined my middle school track team, to make you proud, and it did, and this year, after you were gone, I got up and started running again, so that I would e able to hopefully make track again, just for you, so youd be looking down watching me. I miss you so much. Unfortently, during track try out, all that was running through my mind was do it for him, hell be looking down, smiling at you., Thinking that, about you, and the fact I was doing it for you, just broke my heart still at the thought of you being gone, and I left in the middle of try outs, went into the locker room, and cried as much as I could. Life withoutyou has been really diifficult to me, everyday, I flip open my cellphone, and there you are, a picture of me and you on my screen saver, I never got around to changing it, and if I had the urge to, I didnt. It hurts me, to talk about you, I get really choked up and try not to cry, but it never works. Everyday I play my song for you, Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and everytime I hear it, I let a slight amount of tears build up and spew over. It gets hard for me to think that when I go visit Great Gram, I look in your recliner and see that its empty, I walk into your room, and see your desk cleared, then I look in your sea at the table, to find you gone. I loved that you had always scolded and punished me, teaching me my rights and wrongs, and always told me stories and helped me learn to read. I loved it when you reminded me a part of who I am, the part not much know, the indian in my blood, of me being a mix of many cultures such as mostly Spainard, mexican, german, indian etc. You made me so confident in myself and others to, you made me strong, and tought me the basics of life, and always told the weirdest morals. Looking back to it all, it makes me realize you were my guide, my savior, my hero, my best friend, and most of all- my great grandfather. Never will i forget you, youve seen me at my worst and Ive seen you at yours as well, and Gott knows all the good times weve had together with the family, There isnt a day that goes y that I dont think of you and a night that goes by where I dont dream of you. Your like my guardian angel, and to me youll be forever in my heart,

Wow, the line was LONNGGGG.
But we were a little early so it doesnt matter (:
These girls had Tom and Bill blankets.
I wanted them sooo bad.
It was cold! I hate out door malls D:
I waited like 3 hours.
The girl behind me was coool, shes a sixth grader, her name is Allison, her mom and dad are DOPE!
They took her to germany, chicago and etc, to see TH!
Thats because they loved them before her, haha.
Yea, im meeting up with them tommorow for the concert at the avalon.
Anywayssss, allison and i were NERVOUS!
Then there was a grip of camera men *cough*  <--yea, i counted.
And i think maybe they are posting the videos they recorder on eith Tokio Hotels Myspace, Site, DVD. or for Tokio Hotel TV.
Again. When we got in i was all "Oh my god I see TOM!" Cos i saw his brown LA hat which was tyte, and then "OMG THERES BILL!" With his big hair, haha, and then i was just saying "Oh my god" over and over and sang along with Sacred which they had playing to calm myself, but when i got to the table i almost hypervenilated. Bill looked up and smiled his cheeky smile at me and said "Hallo, how are you?" with his accent and shook my hand, and I was speechless and all i got out was "H- hi Bill." and my voice cracked and he signed my cd cover, and gave it to tom who gave his cutelittle gangster nod and actually friggin said "yo" and  gave it to Georg who gave it to Gustav, and Gustav handed it to me and hugged me and I was back to saying "Oh my god, thank you all SO much" and the lady working there (who was rad because she had a MSI shirt on) was all "come on honey, dont cry" and I was all "Oh my god, i- cant." and I started crying and then her and the other workes ANDDDD the band said "Awww" and the camera guy recorded me crying and clutching my autograph and then 3 more came and recorded me and allison hugging and crying together, We were the only ones who did!
And Ifelt so embarassed because i pray to god that they do/dont (im still not sure whther i want it or not) to be put on the TH tv//DVD. And i gave Allisons mom my numero so we can meet up tommorow :]]]

Ill have a few pics up soon.

Growl. Does anyone else hate when you do your best and god damned hardest to keep someone you love so much happy and keep them form wanted to hurt themself? okay so thats the deal with me and my bestfriends. i help them out so much and tell them if they go- i go, and i know they dont want that. One tried to OD and i caught her in time before she took them, the other just keeps repeating she wants to kill herself and stuff, and the next thing i know, THE THANKS I GET FOR HELPING THEM is a one of them going around talking shit about me and telling people IM A SLUT when really SHES THE ONE WHO DANGLES ALL OVER GUYS AND IS AN ATTENTION WHORE! We all knew it, but held our tongues and it pisses me off she would do this after i try helping her. AND THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE to go around saying that i was shoving her around when SHE STARTED IT AND I ENDED IT DOING IT HARDER THEN SHE DID! OH AND GET THIS! Her family thinks im a crack head because her and her brother told them that my cousin who used to live with me was... WTF! She is ready to get her ass beat.
I told her if she ever needed me i got her back.
i told her that Dont Jump was both our song because i was a depressent about 2 years ago and such, and when we felt down wed sing it!
and always when we got to ' ill jump for you' we'd entwined our pinkys together as a promise, shes been my fucking friend for 9 years and she pays me back like this.

our friend ship is dead.
and no one can bring us back together,
no matter how many people tried.
its over.

I feel so terrible.
My great grandfather, i was so close to him whenever I was with him.
He passed away last night from a heart attack.
Hes been having heart problems for the past 2 1/2 months.
I shouldve visit him.
I didnt get to say goodbye.
He was so important to me, so important.
He really brought my mood up when i was sad.
Played with me when I was a child.
He always taught me valuable life lessons and did the things he did.
I miss him so much and now hes gone.
I never called him during these 2 months and now look what happened;
hes gone, and i never got to say goodbye.
Hopefully he is in a better place now where god can watch over him.
I loved him so much.
Rest In Peace Grandpa Mike/
<3