i miss you so much, so so much.... (go back »)

Theres just something about you that makesme want to grasp on to reality.
To get it through my head thatyoull never come back.
I need you in my life so bad, and I miss you so much.
I dont know how im doing it so far; living without you, but I am, and it still surprises me.
From the moment I heard, I was numb. Numb. Just numb. Numb for days, not letting it hit me just yet. No one knew how much I loved you. No one asked on how exactly I felt when you left me. It was unbareably hard. I could never forgive myself. For everyone phone call I received, to call you and see if you were okay, for every time I was asked if I wanted to go see you. For everytime they told me you were sick, I shrugged it off and said "Oh he'll get better." For everytime they said "he's in the hospital, you should call and go visit" I just changed the subject thinkinh, "oh its not bad, hell be out tonight." For 3 months straight, I didnt call or visit. For 12 weeks I didnt act as if you were sick. For every night you lied in the hospital bed. I could never forgive myself. I love you so much and you just...you're gone. Its been exactly 7 months and five days since youve left us. Everyday I think about you, remembering the days back when I was five, youd take me outside to play with your dogs, play ball with me, and always remember when I was seven and on that you loved the fact that I read, and from when I was ten through twelve you told me to join track team, as you claimed I had good long running legs that didnt need to be wasted by hanging around, That year (2007) I joined my middle school track team, to make you proud, and it did, and this year, after you were gone, I got up and started running again, so that I would e able to hopefully make track again, just for you, so youd be looking down watching me. I miss you so much. Unfortently, during track try out, all that was running through my mind was do it for him, hell be looking down, smiling at you., Thinking that, about you, and the fact I was doing it for you, just broke my heart still at the thought of you being gone, and I left in the middle of try outs, went into the locker room, and cried as much as I could. Life withoutyou has been really diifficult to me, everyday, I flip open my cellphone, and there you are, a picture of me and you on my screen saver, I never got around to changing it, and if I had the urge to, I didnt. It hurts me, to talk about you, I get really choked up and try not to cry, but it never works. Everyday I play my song for you, Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and everytime I hear it, I let a slight amount of tears build up and spew over. It gets hard for me to think that when I go visit Great Gram, I look in your recliner and see that its empty, I walk into your room, and see your desk cleared, then I look in your sea at the table, to find you gone. I loved that you had always scolded and punished me, teaching me my rights and wrongs, and always told me stories and helped me learn to read. I loved it when you reminded me a part of who I am, the part not much know, the indian in my blood, of me being a mix of many cultures such as mostly Spainard, mexican, german, indian etc. You made me so confident in myself and others to, you made me strong, and tought me the basics of life, and always told the weirdest morals. Looking back to it all, it makes me realize you were my guide, my savior, my hero, my best friend, and most of all- my great grandfather. Never will i forget you, youve seen me at my worst and Ive seen you at yours as well, and Gott knows all the good times weve had together with the family, There isnt a day that goes y that I dont think of you and a night that goes by where I dont dream of you. Your like my guardian angel, and to me youll be forever in my heart,